Thursday, May 12, 2011

Pause Button

I had a friend tell me recently that she wished there was a pause button to life.  That she could tell the world to stop spinning around her for a little while, and then she could catch up. I think we've all felt that way sometimes, but it occurs to me that I've had that pause button pressed so many times.  It's called Lyme, and it pauses everything in your life.  Unfortunately, though, it does NOT pause everything else.  While you sleep, while you are ill, while your family is ill, while you stay at home on the couch, everything else moves around you. It's like a strange variant of Sleeping Beauty.... she doesn't age, but the dust accumulates, she doesn't move, but the world around her sleeping place whirls and changes exponentially.  A fast motion recapture video in the making. 

This week, this re-experience, has once again shown me that.  Baby e is sick  Not regular sick.  He keeps patiently shaking his head as I ask what is wrong:  Does his head hurt?  No. Does his stomach hurt? No. Gut?  No. Ear? No.  He patiently keeps shaking his head, ever and over and over. 

Why am I looking for a reason for him to feel bad?  Because I know what it Means when  one of my children starts running fevers of 102, 103 with no visible reason or illness but general malaise. And while the little captain has thus far avoided all the symptoms his siblings had as babies-- the 103 degree fevers once a month,  the strange spots that look like thumbprints of redness that don't  rash or seem to bother them, yet move around their bodies,  the constant illness, the dark circles under their eyes-- he's started having more and move illnesses lately, and is beginning to show the signs.  This, for a mom, although inevitable to our household perhaps, is heartbreaking.  To know that once again, this poison is circulating in another sweet little body, is a personal, private tragedy.

and yet, I know that, even knowing these difficulties, that my little ones chose to come here to Earth and chose to participate, not only in life, but in life with me, a very imperfect mom and rather bad housekeeper, who does not craft with them daily and go on hike and expeditions.  They saw, as spirits prior to joining us on Earth, the whole picture, the goal, and knew that in the end, the monthly pain and the constant sickness would be worth it.  They chose to come, knowing that we might not be those people who can say "you TOO could grow up to be President!"  Not these kids. We don't tell ourselves that we can do ANYTHING.  We do, however, tell ourselves that any path our Father has given to us, we can follow, and follow with great faith.

I came across a quote today on a mommyblog, and I wish I could quote the whole conference, but I can't find it (yet).. However, the quote was from BYU women's conference, from Elder Bednar. (hopefully the link will work, lol)   It is as follows:

Elder Bednar  2011 BYU Women's Conference.

“I believe many, if not all, of the most satisfying and memorable accomplishments in our homes, in the Church, in our jobs and professions and in our communities will be the product of this important spiritual pattern — of small and simple things,” Elder Bednar said. “We should find great comfort in the fact that ordinary people who faithfully, diligently and consistently do simple things that are right before God will bring forth extraordinary results.” ...

“The spiritual pattern of small and simple things bringing forth great things produces firmness and steadfastness, deepening devotion and more complete conversion to the Lord Jesus Christ and His gospel,” he said. “As you and I become increasingly steadfast and immovable, we are less prone to zealous and exaggerated spurts of spirituality followed by extended periods of slackness.”

Ordinary people doing the same things over and over, with the intent to become closer to God-- this describes Mommyland perfectly, if we're trying to do it correctly.  Faithfully, diligently, consistently.  I might not have, for example, the most magnificent vacations spanning every church history site in the US, or the magical FHE's that are passed on  by my children and their children's children for generations to come.  We might, on occasion, call our Monday night endeavors Family Home Fighting, not Evening.  BUT, by consistently doing all the things we are trying to do, we are becoming consistently, perhaps incrementally, better and better at following His way for us.  And perhaps sometimes those increments seems infinitesimal  in comparison to the swirling of the world around us,  like that pause button has been pushed. Like running through knee deep water at the seaside.  But we are growing spiritual muscles by simply sustaining the pace, however slow it may be.

I'm heartbroken that my baby son has begun to show little spots that look like my coinfections, that his dark eye circles show even while he takes four and five hours naps these past three days.  But as long as I can teach him, by word and example, to keep moving one small and steady step at a time, together we can rejoice in being ordinary followers of Christ. And that will be enough. 

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